Medicating Anxiety

I skipped my 10th step post and my nightly call to my sponsor last night because I overate in order to medicate my anxiety about writing a paper for school that's due on Wednesday.  I had the day off from work today and didn't write a word.  This is feeling like a repeat of a couple of weeks ago when I dropped out of a class, partially due to not having a paper done.

I wonder if I just don't want to go to school right now... I don't know.  I'm unsure about whether this education will lead in a direction in which I want to go.  Will it be worth it?

I overate today, too.  Didn't get my water, my fruits/vegetables, my vitamin, or exercise.  Only got one teaspoon of healthy oil and all of my dairy.

Got a voice mail from my sponsee who is struggling.  She cancelled an appointment with her psychiatrist, even thought we talked about how she didn't want to do it yesterday and she agreed that she doesn't want to do much.  We talked about "doing it scared."  Which is what I'm doing by picking up my commitment to the 10th step again.

Today's 10th Step

Good Stuff

• I cleaned up after myself in the kitchen
• I started up my 10th step commitment again and I'm going to call my sponsor

Selfishness

• Again, I recognize that overeating is selfish.  It delays my weight loss and delays the day when my husband will sleep with me
• Procrastinating on schoolwork is also selfish; I am not the only person affected by my success or failure at this endeavor

Resentment

• I can't think of an instance of resentment from today or yesterday

Dishonesty

• I can't think of an instance of dishonesty from today or yesterday

Fear

• I'm afraid that I will not do a good job on the paper I have due Wednesday; that fear is partially responsible for the procrastination, which is selfish and leads to anxiety and overeating

Remedies

• I'm going to call my sponsor and tell her all of this
• I'm going to skip my knitting class tomorrow and get the paper done as soon as I get home

Miracles

Some of my in-laws are visiting and I'm serene.  Doing this daily 10th step is revealing miracles in my life. 

One of my sponsees is really struggling.  Today she left me a message saying that she had an argument with her husband, went to a bar and had two shots of tequila, and didn't want to meet at o'early thirty tomorrow morning unless I "made" her go.  When we talked a little while ago, I said, "I'm not going to make you do anything. The questions are, do you want the program? Do you want to be sober?"  She said she does.  We talked for a while and I suggested that she pray for one thing: the faith that working the program will bring relief.  She has four children under the age of 9 and she just spent two days with all four of them; a "real trigger" as she calls it.  Then she argued with her husband.  I reminded her of what the Big Book says about being disturbed and how it is always something wrong with us.  She said she agreed, but she seems to pay lip service to a lot of the program ideas that I share.  She'll agree now, repeat it back, say I'm hitting the nail on the head, and a week from now she will slip right back to the "oh poor me" crap.  God, this is a sick person.  Show me how to be helpful.  Save me from being angry.  Thy will be done.

Weight Watchers-wise, it wasn't a perfect day. I went over my points by 12.  I got my water, dairy, 5 fruits/vegetables, oil, vitamin, and 4 points of exercise.

Today's 10th Step

Good Stuff

• Met with one of my sponsees
• A guy flirted with me and I didn't feed into it
• My Saturday AA meeting was awesome and I made everyone laugh when I shared:  "I'm a weepy m-effer."
• I listened patiently to my aunt-in-law's stories as we walked around the mall

Selfishness

• I can't think of an incident of selfishness from today

Resentment

• I can't think of an incident of resentment from today

Dishonesty

• I can't think of an incident of dishonesty from today

Fear

• I'm becoming a bit more apprehensive about my assignment that's due Wednesday; I haven't done a thing on it and I'll have to jam it out on Monday.

Invasion of the In-Laws

They're heeeeeere!  My mother-in-law (MIL), her brother, and his wife are here.  We actually had a really fun night; we talked, played a card game called "Aces in the Middle," and talked about our dogs, who my MIL hates but my husband's uncle and aunt love.  Turns out my MIL is on Weight Watchers. She's lost 30 pounds since January!

Today I stuck to my points, drank my water, had my dairy, took my vitamins, had my oil, and exercised.  Didn't get all of my vegetables in.

Today's 10th Step

Good Stuff

• Did some massive housecleaning with my husband without whining
• Spent time with my MIL, her brother, and his wife
• Talked briefly with one of my sponsees
• Told my husband that I was worried that he would not want to sleep with me even when I'm at a healthier weight
• Was honest with my husband about the money I've spent so far this week

Selfishness

• Can't think of an example of this behavior from today

Resentment

• Can't think of an example of this behavior from today

Dishonesty

• Can't think of an example of this behavior from today

Fear

• I didn't indulge in any self-defeating behavior that covered fear

Weight Loss Surprise!

I made it through the incredibly boring day of training, picked up my car from the shop, and headed out to my Weight Watchers meeting.  I seriously thought I might have a bit of a gain. What a shock I got!  4.4 pounds down, hit the 20 pounds lost mark, and the 10% goal!  Woo hoo!  I weigh 189.6 pounds!

Had a Chinese takeout dinner with my man and made some choices I haven't made in a while.  Didn't sneak extra cookies, didn't get two egg rolls with my entree, but got a delicious Thai cucumber salad on the side.  Did indulge in my half-pint of Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk, AKA Food of the Gods.  Well, Coffee Heath Bar Crunch is my ultimate fave, but NYSFC will do in a pinch.

So I used all of my weekly points today, but I did get all of my healthy checks in.  Water, fruits and vegetables, oil, dairy, vitamin.  Even got one point of exercise in, a short walk during my lunch break.

Today's 10th Step

Good Stuff

• I prayed for my boss and my pain-in-the-ass co-worker today, both on my knees before leaving the house AND at the training today.  It helped; I did not engage in co-worker bashing, which I usually do when I'm around that many members of the staff; there is always someone to commiserate with on that subject.
• I had a croissant at 11:00 a.m. because I was SO hungry, but I tracked it and I did not eat anything else from the pot luck.  At lunch, I had my normal yogurt-almond-granola-apple concoction with a teaspoon of oil (I've been dividing my daily two teaspoons between breakfast and lunch lately).
• My co-worker mentioned that today was the anniversary of her father's sudden death more than over a decade ago, I asked how she was feeling, and listened.
• My sponsee sent me a text saying that she was really struggling and didn't want to talk, but wanted to, as she says, "tell on myself."  I called her anyway, didn't get an answer, but left a message.
• My sponsor is out of town and incommunicado, so she is having one of her other sponsees call me; we talked briefly today.

Selfishness

• I ran out of the building when training was declared to be over, even though they asked us to stay and help clean up.

Resentment

• I can't think of an example of resentful behavior from today.

Dishonesty

• I can't think of an example of dishonesty from today.

Fear

• Fear is always down there... I can't think of a decision I made or a behavior I chose that was a direct result of fear, though.

Remedies

• When I find dishes in our communal sink during the next two weeks, I will do them.

Blah

Not really looking forward to the next few days.  I have all-day training at work tomorrow; one of the downsides of my job is annual training that is beyond redundant.  Then I have a ton of cleaning to do because my mother-in-law, her brother, and her brother's wife will be here for the whole weekend.  I have Monday off, but I'll be spending much of the day writing a paper that's due on Wednesday.  So "Blah" is the operative word.





Today's 10th Step

Good Stuff

• Had a wonderful session with a new client

Selfishness

• Can't think of an example of this behavior from today

Resentment

• No example from today, but I realized that my resentment against my father caused me to think it was okay to say something pretty harsh to him on Sunday.  His entire tirade against me and the ways in which he believes I should change might have been due to the fact that I told him that he uses his unresolved grief to push away everyone in his life.

Dishonesty

• Can't think of an example of this behavior from today

Fear

• Can't think of an example of this behavior from today

Remedies

• I need to apologize to my father.  I'm going to email him right after writing this.

Just Another Day

Quiet day.  Stuck to my points, exercised (45 minute walk on the treadmill), and got all of my healthy checks.

Today's 10th Step

Good Stuff

• Ate lunch in session with a client; laughed our butts off
• Called another facility to ask if they had a job opening; no answer as of yet
• Made everyone laugh in the staff meeting with an inappropriate comment
• Made coffee at home instead of buying from the shop

Selfishness

• Did not do the dishes

Resentment

• Can't think of an example of this behavior from today

Dishonesty

• Can't think of an example of this behavior from today

Fear

• Didn't do any schoolwork; afraid it will be boring and I'll fail; afraid that I'm not studying the right field for me; afraid that I'm not in the right field at all

Remedies

• Do the dishes after dinner every night as promised
• Figure out a way to do schoolwork every day but one day a week
• Talk about my fears with my sponsor

The Aftermath

Yesterday was a rough one, but I made it through without overeating or indulging in any other addictive behavior designed to "make me feel better."  I left my sponsor a voice mail last night after posting and woke up to a text saying that she's sorry she's out of town when I'm going through this crap.  Me too!  But I'm okay so far; if I really need to talk with someone, my grand-sponsor is ready for my call.

Today was another interesting day.  Got to work and found out that my supervisor resigned; he sent the owner of the company an email and went home on Friday afternoon (I was long gone when he left).  Over the weekend, he forwarded a copy of the resignation letter from his Yahoo address to all of us.  He wrote some pretty damning stuff about the boss and ended by accusing her of creating a hostile work environment due to his race and national origin (he's from a country in Africa).  I joked with a co-worker that it's definitely a hostile work environment, but I don't think the boss is creating it based on race or national origin.  Anyway, the boss somehow found out that he forwarded the message to all of us and decided that we needed to meet about it. She called us into the conference room and read the message aloud, refuting each line.  ::sigh::  I need a new job.

Let's see.  Weight Watchers wise, I did pretty well today.  Did a Bowflex workout (2 points), got most of my water, all of my fruits and vegetables, all of my dairy, two teaspoons of oil, and my vitamins.  I went three PointsPlus over for the day, though.

Today's 10th Step

Good Stuff

• Got up and exercised
• Went to work (had thoughts of calling in sick, but didn't)
• Saw my therapist
• Felt better than yesterday and capitalized on it by recognizing it and considering the reasons for it
• Talked to my brother about my conversation with my dad
• Made salad
• Did the dishes

Selfishness

• Can't think of an instance of selfishness

Resentment

• Felt resentful of my co-worker who I will call Charles; I find him patronizing and sanctimonious

Dishonesty

• Can't think of an instance of dishonesty

Fear

• Can't think of an instance of fear

Remedies

• I prayed for Charles for a while a few months ago; that was when he worked in our other building and I didn't see him very often.  He recently began working in my building and will be around much more often.  Time for me to pray for him again and to see him as the Big Book says: "When a person offended we said to ourselves, 'This is a sick man.  How can I be helpful to him?  God save me from being angry.  Thy will be done.'"

Just Rub It In My Face, Whydoncha?

Called my dad at 6:15 a.m. this morning, as I committed to doing when we spoke on Friday.  We talked for about 30 minutes.  It was an awful discussion.  He asked about answers to three emails he sent me this week; I couldn't remember them so he re-hashed them on the phone.  Then he talked about how he feels like he's talking to a wall when he emails and when he posts on Facebook.  I explained that a lot of the time, I feel like he's trying to "hook" me with his messages.  He asked whether a percentage of my lack of response had to do with being lazy about responding; I told him it was probably about fifty-fifty.  Then he started to bring up his visit to me in 2009, when he lectured me about my ) I calmly told him that my weight is a subject about which I will not talk with him.  He again tried to talk about it, imploring me to "put on your clinical hat," referring to the fact that I'm pursuing a master's in psychology.  I told him that with or without my "clinical hat," I will not discuss this subject with him.  It was a depressing conversation and I think I handled it okay. 

So, after last night's painful 10th step, during which I am again reminded that one of my core issues is with not feeling good enough, I get it rubbed in my face.

I re-committed to calling my dad every week and after one phone call, I'm regretting the decision.  A few hours later I got a text from him saying, "Before today you knew no harshness me he,he"  I'm not sure what the message means and I hesitate to ask because I don't want to open up another can of worms.

I stuck to my Weight Watchers points today.  Got my dairy and fruits/vegetables, but didn't get all of my water or my healthy oil.  Didn't exercise today either.

So, on to today's 10th step.  In an effort to recognize the positives, I'm going to list the good stuff first.

Good Stuff

• I met with my sponsee and read "There Is a Solution" with her; we talked about the difference between alcoholic drinking and "normal" drinking.
• I remained calm in my interaction with my dad and maintained firm boundaries about discussion subjects.

Selfishness

• I can't think of an example of selfishness today.

Resentment

• I am a little resentful that my father will not respect my boundaries and continues to try to counsel me.

Dishonesty

• I can't think of an example of dishonesty today.

Fear

• I am afraid that my relationship with my father will never change.
• I am afraid that I will never change.
• I am afraid that I don't belong in the field in which I am currently engaged and pursuing higher education

Remedies

• I will talk with my sponsor and my therapist about my feelings surrounding not being good enough, not pursuing the right career path, and my father.
• I will pray for God to help me to recognize myself as a woman who is worthy of love.
• I will ask God to help me to detach from my father's crazy-making behavior.
• I will pray for guidance for how to handle my relationship with my father.

Commitment... What a b*tch.

Man, do I struggle with commitment.  I guess all I can do is start over again.  The newest theme is "One Day at a Time."  Old slogan, but a new viewpoint for me.

During this week's Weight Watchers meeting, I set a 13-week goal: Lose 13 pounds by Labor Day. 

During this week's therapy appointment, I set a few goals (which will sound familiar):

1. Track my PointsPlus daily
2. Attend two Weight Watchers meetings every week
3. Blog three times weekly
4. Exercise four times weekly
5. Work on a big school project first thing every Friday (to combat procrastination)

And when I met with my sponsor yesterday, we committed to doing a 10th step daily for a month.  I told my sponsor that I will do my 10th step and then place my daily phone call to her directly afterward in order to keep myself accountable.  She liked that idea.

As far as Step 10 goes, the Big Book suggests:

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day.  Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid?  Do we owe an apology?  Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all?  What could we have done better?  Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time?  Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life?  But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others.  After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.

And the Twelve and Twelve suggests:

When evening comes, perhaps just before going to sleep, many of us draw up a balance sheet for the day.  This is a good place to remember that inventory-taking is not always done in red ink.  It's a poor day indeed when we haven't done something right...  As we glance down the debit side of the day's ledger, we should carefully examine our motives in each thought or act that appears to be wrong.  In most cases our motives won't be hard to see and understand.  When prideful, angry, jealous, anxious, or fearful, we acted accordingly, and that was that.  Here we need only recognize that we did act or think badly, try to visualize how we might have done better, and resolve with God's help to carry these lessons over into tomorrow, making, of course, any amends still neglected.  But in other instances only the closest scrutiny will reveal what our true motives were.  There are cases where our ancient enemy, rationalization, has stepped in and has justified conduct which was really wrong.  The temptation here is to imagine that we had good motives and reasons when we really didn't...  Learning daily to spot, admit, and correct these flaws is the essence of character-building and good living.  An honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow will be the permanent assets we shall seek.

So, on to my 10th Step for today:

Selfishness:  I've come to think of my overeating as a combination of selfishness and fear.  The selfishness comes in when I rationalize that my overeating affects only me.  My relationship with my husband suffers when I overeat.  Sometimes I am covering up a feeling of shame regarding dishonesty with my husband.  Overeating delays him sleeping with me again.

Resentment:  I don't think resentment crept in today.  Well, that's not true.  I have some resentment about how my husband is also overweight but the onus for sleeping together again has been placed solely on my shoulders.

Dishonesty:  I've been spending more money than I agreed to; I'm supposed to limit myself to $60 a week and to use that money for coffee (I drink a large chain-store cup daily).  I've been spending beyond my $60 daily, feeling guilty about it, and overeating to salve the guilt.

Fear:  The overeating covers fear.  I'm afraid that my husband will be angry about my overspending.  I'm afraid I will never lose weight and will therefore never sleep with my husband again.  I'm afraid that I will sleep with him again and it will be awkward and uncomfortable.  Or he will find another reason not to sleep with me.  I'm afraid I'm not good enough.

Good Stuff:  We went to a sporting event with our closest friends and had a great time.  I shared pizza with my husband and friends.  Even though I looked in the mirror and saw a fat woman, I put those self-defeating thoughts in the back of my mind and had a good time, instead of pouting, being bitchy, and ruining my day.

Remedies:  I am about to call my sponsor; I will tell her about all of this and ask for suggestions.  Then, I will follow those suggestions, no matter how scary they are.

Playing Hooky

I called in sick to work. I've been pretending to be at work in texts to my husband. But right now I an sitting on the edge of a lake on a gorgeous sunny spring day. The lake is almost two hours away from home. I'm just reading my textbooks on my Kindle, nothing nefarious, but I feel sad... Why does a part of me continually rebel against what I ought to be doing? Why do I feel that I must have secrets?

Still Going

I haven't posted in a while, so I fell down a bit on that part of my new behaviors around weight loss.  But I have been tracking my points daily, attending additional meetings, and I've even made some new Weight Watchers friends.  I think that's the part I'm most excited about.  Two weeks ago, I told my leader about this blog and she suggested that I meet another member who has a blog.  We finally connected yesterday and definitely clicked.  She even introduced me to another member who happens to be her neighbor.  Click again!  I look forward to getting to know both of them better.

Both of the weigh-ins I didn't post about went well.  I'm down to 191.4 pounds.  189.6 pounds is my 20% milestone, so I'm close!

A bunch of friends and I have been doing a 5K every month; we've got one tomorrow morning.  I'm looking forward to it.  After the race we'll go out for brunch, I'll come home and take a hot bath, and then take a nice nap.

I'm between semesters in graduate school and I have a few days off next week, so I'm on a little bit of a vacation.  Feels good!

Yeaaaaah Boy!

Still no response from the boss on my reply to her last message.  And I found out that I was one of three people who experienced her wrath this week.  Not sure what's going on with that.

Great news!  I hit my regular meeting and found out that I lost 3.4 pounds this week!  So I now weigh 194.2.  Woo hoo!  Wonderful motivation to continue the behavior I implemented this week.  It feels really good.  Right now I'm doing a lot of praying about the motivation for exercising and eating healthily.  I want it to be about living a long and healthy life, not about appearance.  Before I got sober, that was the goal of my weight loss.  For me, that thinking is the beginning of a slippery slope into a focus on materialism vs. the focus on spirituality that I want my life to have.  Knowhuttumsayin'?

I exercised this morning; got 4 activity point from a Bowflex workout and a walk on the treadmill.  I've been watching an On Demand show from 2006 called ArtStar; I love me some reality while I'm walking on my treadmill.

Got all 6 HCs, tracked, and stuck to my points.  I did swap all 4 activity points.

Breakfast: (10 Points Plus)

Abundance Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal (4)
2 TBSP slivered almonds (2)
2 tsp olive oil (2)
Honeycrisp apple, chopped (0)
1 cup Silk light vanilla soy milk (2)
Coffee (0)

Lunch (8 Points Plus)

Chobani 0% Greek Yogurt Pomegranate (4)
2 TBSP slivered almonds (2)
1/3 cup granola (3)
1 Honeycrisp apple, chopped

Dinner (13 Points Plus)

Mixed green salad with red bell peppers, sprouts, mushrooms, and green onions (0)
2 TBSP slivered almonds (2)
2 tsp olive oil
1 oz. gorgonzola cheese (3)
4 oz. chicken breast (4)
1 Almond Joy, snack size (2)

Total for the Day: 32 Points Plus

Belated Post for Wednesday: Good News and Bad News

Yesterday was a great day and a weird day.  I walked into the office and found good news: the network was back up and bad news: a threatening email from my boss.  She accused me of insubordination because I did not respond to two emailed requests for an opinion on whether we should accept walk-ins.  Here's are the problems with her accusation:

1. Her initial email had no deadline.
2. She sent the second request on Friday.  I don't work on Fridays.
3. The network went down over the weekend, so I didn't get the second request until after I got the threatening message.
4. In Tuesday's staff meeting, her second-in-command announced that a decision had been made and that we indeed would be accepting walk-ins.

So I wrote her back stating these things and gave her my opinion anyway.  She has not responded.

When I called my sponsor to check in last night, she pointed out that my response smacked of righteous anger.  And as we in the program know, we cannot afford righteous anger.  It leads straight back to a drink. I need to remember that in all my dealings with my boss; she is unpredictable.  The conversation with my sponsor went pretty late and I was too tired to blog, hence the late post.

So, let's talk health goals.  I did not exercise yesterday; I had a paper to finish for turn in at 6 p.m. so I got up early and went to the coffee shop to write.  I did track, stick to my points, and get 5 of 6 HCs.

Yesterday's Points

Breakfast: (10 Points Plus)

1 Caribou Chicken-Apple-Sausage Daybreaker (8)
1 cup Silk light vanilla soy milk (2)
Coffee (0)

Lunch (8 Points Plus)

Vanilla lowfat yogurt 3/4 cup (4)
2 TBSP slivered almonds (2)
1/8 granola (2)
Honeycrisp apple, chopped (0)

Dinner (10 Points Plus)
3 oz. ground turkey (3)
1 cup tomatoes (0)
1 multi-grain tortilla (3)
2 tsp olive oil (2)
3 oz black beans (1)
1 cup cabbage (0)
2 TBSP light sour cream (1)

Total for the day: 28

Forgot to post yesterday!

It’s 8:05 a.m. at the coffee shop; I’m working on my paper before heading to work at 9 a.m.

 I was crazily trying to get my paper done yesterday and forgot to blog. 

Our network is still down at work, which is a nightmare.  We had a staff meeting at the end of the day and our second-in-command was visibly and verbally annoyed with our complaints.  She told us to “stop whining and just figure it out, because it could be down for two weeks” so today will be spent implementing manual ways of scheduling and tracking client appointments and recreating a spreadsheet we have to turn in every month that shows when we met with everyone.   Good times.

On my way home from school, I realized I hadn’t heard from one of my sponsees in a couple of days, so I called and left her a message.  Hoping she’s okay.

As of this morning, I’m 90% done with the big paper that is due tonight at 6 p.m.  This is the last big hurdle of the semester.  I have to submit a resume, cover letter, and self-care plan before next Thursday, April 19, and I have two final exams to study for over the weekend, but that’s it for the semester.  My challenge for next semester, which starts May 7, will be to implement some new habits around school.  It would benefit me greatly to figure out a way to get my reading done every week and to stop procrastinating.

I exercised yesterday, but only got one activity point.  Did a Bowflex workout with my husband, but didn’t get on the treadmill.  Got all five of the other HCs, tracked, and stuck to my points.  Almost an identical day to Monday.

Breakfast: (10 Points Plus)

Abundance Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal (4)
2 TBSP slivered almonds (2)
2 tsp olive oil (2)
Honeycrisp apple, chopped (0)
1 cup Silk light vanilla soy milk (2)
Coffee (0)

Lunch (8 Points Plus)

Chobani 0% Greek Yogurt Pomegranate (4)
2 TBSP slivered almonds (2)
Quaker Stila granola, cranberry & yogurt flavor (2)
Honeycrisp apple, chopped (0)

Dinner (11 Points Plus)

3 oz. Jennie-O lean ground turkey (3)
2 TBSP light sour cream (1)
3 oz. black beans (2)
3/4 oz. cheddar cheese (1)
1 Mission multi-grain flour tortilla (3)
1 cup tomatoes (0)
1 cup cabbage (0)
2 TBSP jalapenos (0)
1/4 cup salsa (0)

Total for the day: 29 Points Plus
 
I’ll post again later today.

All Systems Go

Pretty productive day!  Our server was down all day at work, so I couldn't get through all of my work, but I got a ton done anyway.  Had a great conversation with a woman who is interning for us; she is going through a little crisis with AA.  She's got 4 years of sobriety and is getting into the alcohol and drug counseling field; she's worried that she is not able to concentrate on meetings.  I told her that I had a similar problem when I started working in the field a few years ago and it happened to coincide with about the same point in my sobriety; I told her to hang in there and keep talking about how she's feeling.  I'll pray for her tonight, too.

As far as school goes, I still have a faux case study to diagnose before Thursday and the gigantic paper due on Wednesday (it's about 25% complete).  Maybe I should change my blogger handle to "The Procrastinating One."

Got up and exercised with my man this morning; got 4 activity points between Bowflexing and walking on the treadmill.  And man, did I need those points!  I was hungry today. 

Went to the supplementary Weight Watchers meeting I committed to attending.  As I drove up to the building, I saw a gorgeous redhead entering the building; slender build with thick, long hair.  She was in front of me in line and I had to ask her if she was lifetime.  She was; I told her she should be on one of those new posters they have on the walls; I think I embarrassed her, but man!  If she can look that good, credit Weight Watchers, and continue to attend meetings, I am on it.

Anyway, the meeting was very cool; it is at a center in my town that I haven't been to in over a year.  (I go to a meeting in another town on my way home from work on Thursdays.) The center in my has been retrofitted; super-fancy!  It has these nice, almost floor-to-ceiling partitions that separate the weigh-in stations, a flat screen for the leader to use instead of flip charts, new lighting... I felt like I was at the wrong weight-loss program.  On my way out the door, I asked one of the receptionists if all of the centers were going to look like that; she said, "Yes, eventually."  Seriously impressive.

During the meeting we talked about fitness; what our go-to workouts are, what our backup plans are, etc.  One of the women talked about how she has been doing Tai Chi through a community program. I would love to do that; I'm going to look into it.

So today I got 6 out of 6 HCs (water, milk, fruits & vegetables, multivitamin, oil, and activity) for the first time in a while, tracked my points, and stuck to my points (although I used all 4 activity points for dinner).

Breakfast: (10 Points Plus)

Abundance Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal (4)
2 TBSP slivered almonds (2)
2 tsp olive oil (2)
Honeycrisp apple, chopped (0)
1 cup Silk light vanilla soy milk (2)
Coffee (0)
 
Snack: (2 Points Plus)

12 almonds (2)

Lunch (8 Points Plus)

Chobani 2% Greek Yogurt Passion Fruit (4)
2 TBSP slivered almonds (2)
Quaker Stila granola, cranberry & yogurt flavor (2)
Honeycrisp apple, chopped (0)

Dinner (12 Points Plus)

3 oz. Jennie-O lean ground turkey (3)
2 TBSP light sour cream (1)
3 oz. black beans (2)
1 oz. cheddar cheese (3)
1 Mission multi-grain flour tortilla (3)
1 cup tomatoes (0)
1 cup cabbage (0)
2 TBSP jalapenos (0)
1/4 cup salsa (0)

Total for the day: 32 Points Plus

Confusion about Days

Just realized I posted on Friday calling it Saturday and posted yesterday calling it Sunday.  I don't work on Fridays and I sometimes get confused by that; I'll think Thursday is Friday, etc.  That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Anyway, today was Easter Sunday and it was an okay day. I did a lot more procrastinating.  Got some of my homework done, but not all of it and I haven't written a word of the gigantic paper that is due on Wednesday.  I'm ambivalent about it; I feel like I have just enough time to get everything done, but tomorrow I may slip into panic mode.  I didn't go to an extra WW meeting today like I planned, but I will go to one tomorrow night instead.  There's a 5:00 p.m. one not far from my house.


Went to my AA home group this morning.  The topic was step 6 and I heard a lot of good stuff.  Today's reading from "Twenty-Four Hours a Day" was about not being shy about my spirituality.  I love it when something I'm thinking about comes up in a meeting.  Just yesterday I was reviewing my profile on Blogger and saw that I didn't have anything about spirituality in my interests.  I added God, higher power, and spirituality.  Maintaining and deepening my relationship with God is important to me.  I get on my knees morning and night, saying the serenity prayer, the 3rd step prayer, and the 7th step prayer.  In the morning, I also say St. Francis' prayer.  Sometimes I feel close to God, sometimes I don't.  A few weeks ago I was talking with my sponsor about it and I just asked her, "How do I get closer to God?"  She talked about the fact that she is currently on her own spiritual quest.  She was raised with no spirituality, but is curious about it.  She's attended Jewish, Catholic, and Buddhist services so far.  I'm thinking about following in her footsteps. 

Anyway, I also saw a fellow AA member at this morning's meeting who I haven't seen in forever; we went to coffee and chatted.  Then I came home and napped.  Got up, did some homework, and once again zoned out in front of the television with my man and knitted.  I'm working on this project:

But I'm using a different wool; I'm using Noro yarn.  The scarf is turning out really well so far and I'm having fun knitting it.

And! I tracked, stuck to my points, and got 4 out of 6 HCs.  Didn't get healthy oil or exercise today.

Breakfast

• Caribou Chicken Apple Sausage Daybreaker sandwich (8)
• 1 cup light soy milk (2)

Lunch

• Deep Indian Gourmet Paneer Makhani (5)
• 1 cup zucchini (0)
• 1 cup mushrooms (0)
• 1 piece of high fiber bread (2)

Dinner

• 3 oz. pulled pork (5)
• 4 TBSP BBQ sauce (2)
• 2 slices high fiber bread (4)
• 1 cup mushrooms (0)

Total for the day: 28 points

Tracked on a Saturday, too!

Got up this morning at 6:30 a.m., met with a sponsee (I’m a recovering alcoholic) at 8:15 a.m., then hit an Al-Anon (I qualify for that program too) meeting at 9:45 a.m. and met with another sponsee right after.  Came home, took a nap, and have been hanging out watching TV with the man ever since.  I thought about exercising, but didn’t.  It was a cold and rainy day; perfect napping and vegging weather.  I have a bunch of schoolwork to do and in my own inimitable fashion, I'm procrastinating.

But! I did track AND stick to my points! And I completed 5 out of 6 HCs.

Breakfast
·         Abundance Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal (4)
·         2 TBSP slivered almonds (2)
·         2 tsp olive oil (2)
·         Honeycrisp apple, chopped
·         1 cup Silk light vanilla soy milk (2)
·         Coffee (0)

Lunch

·         Panera Thai Chopped Chicken Salad (9)
·         Fruit Cup (0)

Dinner

·         Deep Indian Gourmet Paneer Makhani (5)
·         1 cup zucchini
·         1 cup mushrooms
·         3 oz chicken breast (3)
·         ½ piece of bread (1)

Total for the day: 28 points

Tracked on a Friday!

I had a really good day today.  My classmate and I met to record our third and last faux counseling sessions of the semester and they seemed to go well.  Our professor instructed us to act like characters from movies when we pretend to act like clients when our classmates practice counseling with us.  Today I took my inspiration from Sara Jessica Parker’s character in the movie The Family Stone, specifically the character’s struggle with the family of her fiancé and feeling disconnected from them.  After the fact, I realized that her character had a lot in common with me and with my sister-in-law.  We’re both having difficulties with our fathers-in-law; I’m married to one brother and she’s married to the other, so we’re dealing with the same guy.  My father-in-law has never liked me and I've been married to his son for over 20 years.  My sister-in-law only recently found out that he doesn't like her. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a lost cause.  He is who he is and I need to accept him that way, but at first it was difficult to learn about how he felt.  I feel for my sister-in-law.

I spent the rest of the afternoon knitting and watching my TiVo backlog of Jimmy Fallon and The Daily Show.  When my husband came home, we went out to dinner at a restaurant we’ve never been to before, but it had Buzztime trivia, so we decided to try it.  I whooped him two out of three games.  Even better, I almost had a burger but opted for a salad instead.

It’s been a long time since I’ve tracked my points on a Friday and even longer since I stuck to them.  I used all of my weekly points and I definitely got full.  I feel pretty confident that I will be able to stick to my points the rest of the week.  Here’s what I had today:

Breakfast

• Abundance Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal (4)
• 2 TBSP slivered almonds (2)
• 2 tsp olive oil (2)
• Honeycrisp apple, chopped
• ½ cup Silk light vanilla soy milk (1)
• Coffee with a ½ cup skim milk

Lunch

• Large salad from Leeann Chin (8)

Snack

• 2 TBSP light sour cream (1)
• 1 cup Pace picante sauce, medium (1)
• 14 Baked! Tostitos tortilla chip scoops (3)

Dinner

• Restaurant Strawberry Chicken salad (20)
• Restaurant southwestern egg rolls with dipping sauce, 2 (13)

Dessert

• ½ pint Haagen-Dazs peanut butter & chocolate ice cream (16)
• ½ cup Silk light vanilla soy milk (1)

Total for the day:  73 points (!)

Today I achieved 6 out of 7 HCs; no exercise again.

Hackneyed; Nevertheless True

* If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.  - Jane Kirkpatrick

* Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.  - Albert Einstein

I am a 40something married woman who is an alcohol and drug counselor and a first-semester graduate student in psychology.  Because of the rigorous nature of a psychology student's education and eventual work as a therapist, our professors have been encouraging us to engage in therapy.  So I've been seeing a doctoral student from my school for a couple of weeks and I've already had some insights.  One of the biggest was the realization that I don't follow my own advice!  Every day I encourage my clients to:

• Try something new
• Journal
• Find a support group
• Focus on the positive

I joined Weight Watchers in June of 2010 and have reached the 15 pounds lost mark several times during these past two years, only to sneak back up again.  I found myself thinking that my goal is impossible and wanted to give up.  On my way to my weekly Weight Watchers meeting yesterday, dreading the scale, I had an epiphany:  I need to do something new.  I need to journal.  I need to increase my support.  I need to focus on the positive.

Here are the commitments I am making in pursuit of my weight loss goal; I will:

1. Track my Weight Watchers Points Plus (PP) every day

2. Fulfill "Healthy Checks" (HCs) every day

3. Blog about my progress every day (journaling)

4. Attend at least two Weight Watchers meetings each week

5. Exercise at least four times each week

So, here are my stats as of yesterday’s weigh-in and measurements:

• 197.6 pounds – 12 pounds lost since starting the program on June 3, 2010.
• Waist:  40 inches
• Hips: 45.5 inches
• Thighs: 25.5 inches
• Arms: 14 inches
• Points Plus Target: 28

Yesterday I used 32 PP total.  I also got 4 out of 6 HCs completed; I only got four out of six vegetables/fruits and I did not exercise.

Last night, I tracked down the second meeting that I will attend; it will be on Sunday at 10:00 a.m.

I'm feeling different today; I'm sure that fulfilling these commitments will help me reach my goal.  If you're reading this, I would love to know about your own journey.  What are you doing in pursuit of your goals?  Do you have any tips or tricks?  Do you have a blog? I hope that this blog will help me to build more support.

I'll be blogging every night; the main purpose is to talk about my progress toward ideal health, but I'll write about graduate school, therapy, etc. along the way.