Medicating Anxiety

I skipped my 10th step post and my nightly call to my sponsor last night because I overate in order to medicate my anxiety about writing a paper for school that's due on Wednesday.  I had the day off from work today and didn't write a word.  This is feeling like a repeat of a couple of weeks ago when I dropped out of a class, partially due to not having a paper done.

I wonder if I just don't want to go to school right now... I don't know.  I'm unsure about whether this education will lead in a direction in which I want to go.  Will it be worth it?

I overate today, too.  Didn't get my water, my fruits/vegetables, my vitamin, or exercise.  Only got one teaspoon of healthy oil and all of my dairy.

Got a voice mail from my sponsee who is struggling.  She cancelled an appointment with her psychiatrist, even thought we talked about how she didn't want to do it yesterday and she agreed that she doesn't want to do much.  We talked about "doing it scared."  Which is what I'm doing by picking up my commitment to the 10th step again.

Today's 10th Step

Good Stuff

• I cleaned up after myself in the kitchen
• I started up my 10th step commitment again and I'm going to call my sponsor

Selfishness

• Again, I recognize that overeating is selfish.  It delays my weight loss and delays the day when my husband will sleep with me
• Procrastinating on schoolwork is also selfish; I am not the only person affected by my success or failure at this endeavor

Resentment

• I can't think of an instance of resentment from today or yesterday

Dishonesty

• I can't think of an instance of dishonesty from today or yesterday

Fear

• I'm afraid that I will not do a good job on the paper I have due Wednesday; that fear is partially responsible for the procrastination, which is selfish and leads to anxiety and overeating

Remedies

• I'm going to call my sponsor and tell her all of this
• I'm going to skip my knitting class tomorrow and get the paper done as soon as I get home

Miracles

Some of my in-laws are visiting and I'm serene.  Doing this daily 10th step is revealing miracles in my life. 

One of my sponsees is really struggling.  Today she left me a message saying that she had an argument with her husband, went to a bar and had two shots of tequila, and didn't want to meet at o'early thirty tomorrow morning unless I "made" her go.  When we talked a little while ago, I said, "I'm not going to make you do anything. The questions are, do you want the program? Do you want to be sober?"  She said she does.  We talked for a while and I suggested that she pray for one thing: the faith that working the program will bring relief.  She has four children under the age of 9 and she just spent two days with all four of them; a "real trigger" as she calls it.  Then she argued with her husband.  I reminded her of what the Big Book says about being disturbed and how it is always something wrong with us.  She said she agreed, but she seems to pay lip service to a lot of the program ideas that I share.  She'll agree now, repeat it back, say I'm hitting the nail on the head, and a week from now she will slip right back to the "oh poor me" crap.  God, this is a sick person.  Show me how to be helpful.  Save me from being angry.  Thy will be done.

Weight Watchers-wise, it wasn't a perfect day. I went over my points by 12.  I got my water, dairy, 5 fruits/vegetables, oil, vitamin, and 4 points of exercise.

Today's 10th Step

Good Stuff

• Met with one of my sponsees
• A guy flirted with me and I didn't feed into it
• My Saturday AA meeting was awesome and I made everyone laugh when I shared:  "I'm a weepy m-effer."
• I listened patiently to my aunt-in-law's stories as we walked around the mall

Selfishness

• I can't think of an incident of selfishness from today

Resentment

• I can't think of an incident of resentment from today

Dishonesty

• I can't think of an incident of dishonesty from today

Fear

• I'm becoming a bit more apprehensive about my assignment that's due Wednesday; I haven't done a thing on it and I'll have to jam it out on Monday.

Invasion of the In-Laws

They're heeeeeere!  My mother-in-law (MIL), her brother, and his wife are here.  We actually had a really fun night; we talked, played a card game called "Aces in the Middle," and talked about our dogs, who my MIL hates but my husband's uncle and aunt love.  Turns out my MIL is on Weight Watchers. She's lost 30 pounds since January!

Today I stuck to my points, drank my water, had my dairy, took my vitamins, had my oil, and exercised.  Didn't get all of my vegetables in.

Today's 10th Step

Good Stuff

• Did some massive housecleaning with my husband without whining
• Spent time with my MIL, her brother, and his wife
• Talked briefly with one of my sponsees
• Told my husband that I was worried that he would not want to sleep with me even when I'm at a healthier weight
• Was honest with my husband about the money I've spent so far this week

Selfishness

• Can't think of an example of this behavior from today

Resentment

• Can't think of an example of this behavior from today

Dishonesty

• Can't think of an example of this behavior from today

Fear

• I didn't indulge in any self-defeating behavior that covered fear

Weight Loss Surprise!

I made it through the incredibly boring day of training, picked up my car from the shop, and headed out to my Weight Watchers meeting.  I seriously thought I might have a bit of a gain. What a shock I got!  4.4 pounds down, hit the 20 pounds lost mark, and the 10% goal!  Woo hoo!  I weigh 189.6 pounds!

Had a Chinese takeout dinner with my man and made some choices I haven't made in a while.  Didn't sneak extra cookies, didn't get two egg rolls with my entree, but got a delicious Thai cucumber salad on the side.  Did indulge in my half-pint of Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk, AKA Food of the Gods.  Well, Coffee Heath Bar Crunch is my ultimate fave, but NYSFC will do in a pinch.

So I used all of my weekly points today, but I did get all of my healthy checks in.  Water, fruits and vegetables, oil, dairy, vitamin.  Even got one point of exercise in, a short walk during my lunch break.

Today's 10th Step

Good Stuff

• I prayed for my boss and my pain-in-the-ass co-worker today, both on my knees before leaving the house AND at the training today.  It helped; I did not engage in co-worker bashing, which I usually do when I'm around that many members of the staff; there is always someone to commiserate with on that subject.
• I had a croissant at 11:00 a.m. because I was SO hungry, but I tracked it and I did not eat anything else from the pot luck.  At lunch, I had my normal yogurt-almond-granola-apple concoction with a teaspoon of oil (I've been dividing my daily two teaspoons between breakfast and lunch lately).
• My co-worker mentioned that today was the anniversary of her father's sudden death more than over a decade ago, I asked how she was feeling, and listened.
• My sponsee sent me a text saying that she was really struggling and didn't want to talk, but wanted to, as she says, "tell on myself."  I called her anyway, didn't get an answer, but left a message.
• My sponsor is out of town and incommunicado, so she is having one of her other sponsees call me; we talked briefly today.

Selfishness

• I ran out of the building when training was declared to be over, even though they asked us to stay and help clean up.

Resentment

• I can't think of an example of resentful behavior from today.

Dishonesty

• I can't think of an example of dishonesty from today.

Fear

• Fear is always down there... I can't think of a decision I made or a behavior I chose that was a direct result of fear, though.

Remedies

• When I find dishes in our communal sink during the next two weeks, I will do them.

Blah

Not really looking forward to the next few days.  I have all-day training at work tomorrow; one of the downsides of my job is annual training that is beyond redundant.  Then I have a ton of cleaning to do because my mother-in-law, her brother, and her brother's wife will be here for the whole weekend.  I have Monday off, but I'll be spending much of the day writing a paper that's due on Wednesday.  So "Blah" is the operative word.





Today's 10th Step

Good Stuff

• Had a wonderful session with a new client

Selfishness

• Can't think of an example of this behavior from today

Resentment

• No example from today, but I realized that my resentment against my father caused me to think it was okay to say something pretty harsh to him on Sunday.  His entire tirade against me and the ways in which he believes I should change might have been due to the fact that I told him that he uses his unresolved grief to push away everyone in his life.

Dishonesty

• Can't think of an example of this behavior from today

Fear

• Can't think of an example of this behavior from today

Remedies

• I need to apologize to my father.  I'm going to email him right after writing this.

Just Another Day

Quiet day.  Stuck to my points, exercised (45 minute walk on the treadmill), and got all of my healthy checks.

Today's 10th Step

Good Stuff

• Ate lunch in session with a client; laughed our butts off
• Called another facility to ask if they had a job opening; no answer as of yet
• Made everyone laugh in the staff meeting with an inappropriate comment
• Made coffee at home instead of buying from the shop

Selfishness

• Did not do the dishes

Resentment

• Can't think of an example of this behavior from today

Dishonesty

• Can't think of an example of this behavior from today

Fear

• Didn't do any schoolwork; afraid it will be boring and I'll fail; afraid that I'm not studying the right field for me; afraid that I'm not in the right field at all

Remedies

• Do the dishes after dinner every night as promised
• Figure out a way to do schoolwork every day but one day a week
• Talk about my fears with my sponsor

The Aftermath

Yesterday was a rough one, but I made it through without overeating or indulging in any other addictive behavior designed to "make me feel better."  I left my sponsor a voice mail last night after posting and woke up to a text saying that she's sorry she's out of town when I'm going through this crap.  Me too!  But I'm okay so far; if I really need to talk with someone, my grand-sponsor is ready for my call.

Today was another interesting day.  Got to work and found out that my supervisor resigned; he sent the owner of the company an email and went home on Friday afternoon (I was long gone when he left).  Over the weekend, he forwarded a copy of the resignation letter from his Yahoo address to all of us.  He wrote some pretty damning stuff about the boss and ended by accusing her of creating a hostile work environment due to his race and national origin (he's from a country in Africa).  I joked with a co-worker that it's definitely a hostile work environment, but I don't think the boss is creating it based on race or national origin.  Anyway, the boss somehow found out that he forwarded the message to all of us and decided that we needed to meet about it. She called us into the conference room and read the message aloud, refuting each line.  ::sigh::  I need a new job.

Let's see.  Weight Watchers wise, I did pretty well today.  Did a Bowflex workout (2 points), got most of my water, all of my fruits and vegetables, all of my dairy, two teaspoons of oil, and my vitamins.  I went three PointsPlus over for the day, though.

Today's 10th Step

Good Stuff

• Got up and exercised
• Went to work (had thoughts of calling in sick, but didn't)
• Saw my therapist
• Felt better than yesterday and capitalized on it by recognizing it and considering the reasons for it
• Talked to my brother about my conversation with my dad
• Made salad
• Did the dishes

Selfishness

• Can't think of an instance of selfishness

Resentment

• Felt resentful of my co-worker who I will call Charles; I find him patronizing and sanctimonious

Dishonesty

• Can't think of an instance of dishonesty

Fear

• Can't think of an instance of fear

Remedies

• I prayed for Charles for a while a few months ago; that was when he worked in our other building and I didn't see him very often.  He recently began working in my building and will be around much more often.  Time for me to pray for him again and to see him as the Big Book says: "When a person offended we said to ourselves, 'This is a sick man.  How can I be helpful to him?  God save me from being angry.  Thy will be done.'"

Just Rub It In My Face, Whydoncha?

Called my dad at 6:15 a.m. this morning, as I committed to doing when we spoke on Friday.  We talked for about 30 minutes.  It was an awful discussion.  He asked about answers to three emails he sent me this week; I couldn't remember them so he re-hashed them on the phone.  Then he talked about how he feels like he's talking to a wall when he emails and when he posts on Facebook.  I explained that a lot of the time, I feel like he's trying to "hook" me with his messages.  He asked whether a percentage of my lack of response had to do with being lazy about responding; I told him it was probably about fifty-fifty.  Then he started to bring up his visit to me in 2009, when he lectured me about my ) I calmly told him that my weight is a subject about which I will not talk with him.  He again tried to talk about it, imploring me to "put on your clinical hat," referring to the fact that I'm pursuing a master's in psychology.  I told him that with or without my "clinical hat," I will not discuss this subject with him.  It was a depressing conversation and I think I handled it okay. 

So, after last night's painful 10th step, during which I am again reminded that one of my core issues is with not feeling good enough, I get it rubbed in my face.

I re-committed to calling my dad every week and after one phone call, I'm regretting the decision.  A few hours later I got a text from him saying, "Before today you knew no harshness me he,he"  I'm not sure what the message means and I hesitate to ask because I don't want to open up another can of worms.

I stuck to my Weight Watchers points today.  Got my dairy and fruits/vegetables, but didn't get all of my water or my healthy oil.  Didn't exercise today either.

So, on to today's 10th step.  In an effort to recognize the positives, I'm going to list the good stuff first.

Good Stuff

• I met with my sponsee and read "There Is a Solution" with her; we talked about the difference between alcoholic drinking and "normal" drinking.
• I remained calm in my interaction with my dad and maintained firm boundaries about discussion subjects.

Selfishness

• I can't think of an example of selfishness today.

Resentment

• I am a little resentful that my father will not respect my boundaries and continues to try to counsel me.

Dishonesty

• I can't think of an example of dishonesty today.

Fear

• I am afraid that my relationship with my father will never change.
• I am afraid that I will never change.
• I am afraid that I don't belong in the field in which I am currently engaged and pursuing higher education

Remedies

• I will talk with my sponsor and my therapist about my feelings surrounding not being good enough, not pursuing the right career path, and my father.
• I will pray for God to help me to recognize myself as a woman who is worthy of love.
• I will ask God to help me to detach from my father's crazy-making behavior.
• I will pray for guidance for how to handle my relationship with my father.

Commitment... What a b*tch.

Man, do I struggle with commitment.  I guess all I can do is start over again.  The newest theme is "One Day at a Time."  Old slogan, but a new viewpoint for me.

During this week's Weight Watchers meeting, I set a 13-week goal: Lose 13 pounds by Labor Day. 

During this week's therapy appointment, I set a few goals (which will sound familiar):

1. Track my PointsPlus daily
2. Attend two Weight Watchers meetings every week
3. Blog three times weekly
4. Exercise four times weekly
5. Work on a big school project first thing every Friday (to combat procrastination)

And when I met with my sponsor yesterday, we committed to doing a 10th step daily for a month.  I told my sponsor that I will do my 10th step and then place my daily phone call to her directly afterward in order to keep myself accountable.  She liked that idea.

As far as Step 10 goes, the Big Book suggests:

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day.  Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid?  Do we owe an apology?  Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all?  What could we have done better?  Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time?  Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life?  But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others.  After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.

And the Twelve and Twelve suggests:

When evening comes, perhaps just before going to sleep, many of us draw up a balance sheet for the day.  This is a good place to remember that inventory-taking is not always done in red ink.  It's a poor day indeed when we haven't done something right...  As we glance down the debit side of the day's ledger, we should carefully examine our motives in each thought or act that appears to be wrong.  In most cases our motives won't be hard to see and understand.  When prideful, angry, jealous, anxious, or fearful, we acted accordingly, and that was that.  Here we need only recognize that we did act or think badly, try to visualize how we might have done better, and resolve with God's help to carry these lessons over into tomorrow, making, of course, any amends still neglected.  But in other instances only the closest scrutiny will reveal what our true motives were.  There are cases where our ancient enemy, rationalization, has stepped in and has justified conduct which was really wrong.  The temptation here is to imagine that we had good motives and reasons when we really didn't...  Learning daily to spot, admit, and correct these flaws is the essence of character-building and good living.  An honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow will be the permanent assets we shall seek.

So, on to my 10th Step for today:

Selfishness:  I've come to think of my overeating as a combination of selfishness and fear.  The selfishness comes in when I rationalize that my overeating affects only me.  My relationship with my husband suffers when I overeat.  Sometimes I am covering up a feeling of shame regarding dishonesty with my husband.  Overeating delays him sleeping with me again.

Resentment:  I don't think resentment crept in today.  Well, that's not true.  I have some resentment about how my husband is also overweight but the onus for sleeping together again has been placed solely on my shoulders.

Dishonesty:  I've been spending more money than I agreed to; I'm supposed to limit myself to $60 a week and to use that money for coffee (I drink a large chain-store cup daily).  I've been spending beyond my $60 daily, feeling guilty about it, and overeating to salve the guilt.

Fear:  The overeating covers fear.  I'm afraid that my husband will be angry about my overspending.  I'm afraid I will never lose weight and will therefore never sleep with my husband again.  I'm afraid that I will sleep with him again and it will be awkward and uncomfortable.  Or he will find another reason not to sleep with me.  I'm afraid I'm not good enough.

Good Stuff:  We went to a sporting event with our closest friends and had a great time.  I shared pizza with my husband and friends.  Even though I looked in the mirror and saw a fat woman, I put those self-defeating thoughts in the back of my mind and had a good time, instead of pouting, being bitchy, and ruining my day.

Remedies:  I am about to call my sponsor; I will tell her about all of this and ask for suggestions.  Then, I will follow those suggestions, no matter how scary they are.