Commitment... What a b*tch.

Man, do I struggle with commitment.  I guess all I can do is start over again.  The newest theme is "One Day at a Time."  Old slogan, but a new viewpoint for me.

During this week's Weight Watchers meeting, I set a 13-week goal: Lose 13 pounds by Labor Day. 

During this week's therapy appointment, I set a few goals (which will sound familiar):

1. Track my PointsPlus daily
2. Attend two Weight Watchers meetings every week
3. Blog three times weekly
4. Exercise four times weekly
5. Work on a big school project first thing every Friday (to combat procrastination)

And when I met with my sponsor yesterday, we committed to doing a 10th step daily for a month.  I told my sponsor that I will do my 10th step and then place my daily phone call to her directly afterward in order to keep myself accountable.  She liked that idea.

As far as Step 10 goes, the Big Book suggests:

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day.  Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid?  Do we owe an apology?  Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all?  What could we have done better?  Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time?  Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life?  But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others.  After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.

And the Twelve and Twelve suggests:

When evening comes, perhaps just before going to sleep, many of us draw up a balance sheet for the day.  This is a good place to remember that inventory-taking is not always done in red ink.  It's a poor day indeed when we haven't done something right...  As we glance down the debit side of the day's ledger, we should carefully examine our motives in each thought or act that appears to be wrong.  In most cases our motives won't be hard to see and understand.  When prideful, angry, jealous, anxious, or fearful, we acted accordingly, and that was that.  Here we need only recognize that we did act or think badly, try to visualize how we might have done better, and resolve with God's help to carry these lessons over into tomorrow, making, of course, any amends still neglected.  But in other instances only the closest scrutiny will reveal what our true motives were.  There are cases where our ancient enemy, rationalization, has stepped in and has justified conduct which was really wrong.  The temptation here is to imagine that we had good motives and reasons when we really didn't...  Learning daily to spot, admit, and correct these flaws is the essence of character-building and good living.  An honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow will be the permanent assets we shall seek.

So, on to my 10th Step for today:

Selfishness:  I've come to think of my overeating as a combination of selfishness and fear.  The selfishness comes in when I rationalize that my overeating affects only me.  My relationship with my husband suffers when I overeat.  Sometimes I am covering up a feeling of shame regarding dishonesty with my husband.  Overeating delays him sleeping with me again.

Resentment:  I don't think resentment crept in today.  Well, that's not true.  I have some resentment about how my husband is also overweight but the onus for sleeping together again has been placed solely on my shoulders.

Dishonesty:  I've been spending more money than I agreed to; I'm supposed to limit myself to $60 a week and to use that money for coffee (I drink a large chain-store cup daily).  I've been spending beyond my $60 daily, feeling guilty about it, and overeating to salve the guilt.

Fear:  The overeating covers fear.  I'm afraid that my husband will be angry about my overspending.  I'm afraid I will never lose weight and will therefore never sleep with my husband again.  I'm afraid that I will sleep with him again and it will be awkward and uncomfortable.  Or he will find another reason not to sleep with me.  I'm afraid I'm not good enough.

Good Stuff:  We went to a sporting event with our closest friends and had a great time.  I shared pizza with my husband and friends.  Even though I looked in the mirror and saw a fat woman, I put those self-defeating thoughts in the back of my mind and had a good time, instead of pouting, being bitchy, and ruining my day.

Remedies:  I am about to call my sponsor; I will tell her about all of this and ask for suggestions.  Then, I will follow those suggestions, no matter how scary they are.