Just Rub It In My Face, Whydoncha?

Called my dad at 6:15 a.m. this morning, as I committed to doing when we spoke on Friday.  We talked for about 30 minutes.  It was an awful discussion.  He asked about answers to three emails he sent me this week; I couldn't remember them so he re-hashed them on the phone.  Then he talked about how he feels like he's talking to a wall when he emails and when he posts on Facebook.  I explained that a lot of the time, I feel like he's trying to "hook" me with his messages.  He asked whether a percentage of my lack of response had to do with being lazy about responding; I told him it was probably about fifty-fifty.  Then he started to bring up his visit to me in 2009, when he lectured me about my ) I calmly told him that my weight is a subject about which I will not talk with him.  He again tried to talk about it, imploring me to "put on your clinical hat," referring to the fact that I'm pursuing a master's in psychology.  I told him that with or without my "clinical hat," I will not discuss this subject with him.  It was a depressing conversation and I think I handled it okay. 

So, after last night's painful 10th step, during which I am again reminded that one of my core issues is with not feeling good enough, I get it rubbed in my face.

I re-committed to calling my dad every week and after one phone call, I'm regretting the decision.  A few hours later I got a text from him saying, "Before today you knew no harshness me he,he"  I'm not sure what the message means and I hesitate to ask because I don't want to open up another can of worms.

I stuck to my Weight Watchers points today.  Got my dairy and fruits/vegetables, but didn't get all of my water or my healthy oil.  Didn't exercise today either.

So, on to today's 10th step.  In an effort to recognize the positives, I'm going to list the good stuff first.

Good Stuff

• I met with my sponsee and read "There Is a Solution" with her; we talked about the difference between alcoholic drinking and "normal" drinking.
• I remained calm in my interaction with my dad and maintained firm boundaries about discussion subjects.

Selfishness

• I can't think of an example of selfishness today.

Resentment

• I am a little resentful that my father will not respect my boundaries and continues to try to counsel me.

Dishonesty

• I can't think of an example of dishonesty today.

Fear

• I am afraid that my relationship with my father will never change.
• I am afraid that I will never change.
• I am afraid that I don't belong in the field in which I am currently engaged and pursuing higher education

Remedies

• I will talk with my sponsor and my therapist about my feelings surrounding not being good enough, not pursuing the right career path, and my father.
• I will pray for God to help me to recognize myself as a woman who is worthy of love.
• I will ask God to help me to detach from my father's crazy-making behavior.
• I will pray for guidance for how to handle my relationship with my father.